Today a fellow AML warrior received the news we all fear. Her blood counts are a wreck and have been falling not coming back up. This is the worst news a Leukemia fighter can receive. This means her body has failed her again and her fight is not over. Now she must under go a BMT (bone marrow transplant). These are some of the scariest words we can hear. I sit here and am still reeling over her news. I think of her, her 3 year old daughter, her husband, her step daughter who is having their first grandchild this June. All of it. It makes me so sad and angry! No one should have to go through this, let alone go through this twice!
It was weird this morning I was having rambling thoughts run through my head of AML and all I have been through. It is so scary and unless you have fought cancer you really can't truly understand. You don't understand what it is like to live in a body you are afraid of. To know that you are alright or to know that you are sick again but have to wait for the doctor to give you the news. In the meantime if you feel alright you live with the fear that the doctor will tell you you are wrong and the fight starts over again. Every bruise or cut you get you analyze how you got it, what you bumped, how bad it is. Is it horrible compared to what you did? Do you need to call the doctor? Is it going away fast enough? Then there is the cuts! God help you if you get a cut! The fear of infection is horrible! I have been on so many prophylactic antibiotics in the last 2 years it is crazy! I am now to the point where they say my counts are high enough I don't need them anymore but cuts still scare the shit outta me! I am still scared to do normal everyday things. You should see me shopping, it is ridiculous! I panic and get a huge hot flash. We are talking dripping sweat! Who wants to see that! It is freaking ridiculous! Why, you ask? I panic because people are dirty and have germs! I have become a huge germaphob! I can't wait to go to the beach and I love the sound of the waves, the smell of the ocean, watching the sea life. I am scared to death of the water and even a little of the sand. Why you ask? There are so many things in the sand that can cut me and I could get an infection. I know to most this sounds ridiculous but isn't. It is the daily life of a survivor.
I am not complaining mind you. I am thrilled to be alive, to watch my son grow up, see my sisters, niece, nephew grow up, grow old with my husband. I am just saying I am still scared. It is something I deal with every day. I take happy pills and they help. Especially with the panic. I have back up emergency ones I sometimes need too. Not often but occasionally. Generally I deal with it by smiling and being happy to be alive. Every once in awhile though the fear really sneaks up and slaps the shit out of you! Those are the days that get you! For me those days seem to come when I am close to doctor visits, they come occasionally upon leaving my house and going somewhere for an extended period of time makes me panic a bit. The difference is I still do it! I don't let AML win! I still kick AML's ass and I will continue to do so! So fear you can kiss off! I am tired of you and I will fight you every day! I will not take it and I will not give in! I will do whatever I have to do to kick you down and give me, Mark and Mark john a normal life! So take that!
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