Thursday, March 14, 2013

Fear and Changes

In June it will be four years since my Leukemia diagnosis. So many changes that brought to my life!! Some of those changes were good. It strengthened an already strong marriage, it brought perspective in so many things and gave true meaning to "don't sweat the small stuff". The floor will still need mopped tomorrow but Mark John may not want to play that game. That jackass that cut me off may have done it on purpose and it may have been an accident. I control how I handle it. I probably will still holler jackass but it doesn't need to make me all mad. People make mistakes and those mistakes effect me but I can't change it so suck it up and just enjoy the ride. There is no use in letting one or a few small things upset me for a whole day. In short in many ways cancer calmed me. It also gave new perspective to my absolute favorite saying "it is what it is". 

 The word cancer also brought fear. The words Acute Leukemia brought a fear beyond anything I had ever known or imagined. It still makes my chest tight. Sadly, some of my friends know that fear and thankfully, others do not. It  is a fear that if not put in check can consume you. I decided I must use that fear to fight. Fight with all I had, fight with my whole being. Fight to be here to grow old with the love of my life, my husband. Fight for watching my son grow up. Fight to watch one sister graduate high school, another head to middle school yet another continue her college education and another to marry her soul mate. It made me fight to watch my parents grow old and be here to watch my nieces and nephews become all they will be. It also made me fight to be here and see my friends and all their amazingness. It made me fight to LIVE! 

All these people and my amazing Dr.Rehmus and wonderful nurses, aids and techs on AGMC 5400 & outpatient offices and clinic helped me fight to live! When I got weak they fought for me. When I needed pushed they pushed, when I needed love and caring they gave me love and caring.  I am here because of me but also because of all of them!

The fear is still there but it is different. Now it's the fear is of it's return. While a missed or late period before would have brought no reaction or a happy thought of a baby now it brings a fear. A fear of relapse. Pregnancy brings hormone changes and has proven almost definite relapse. A bruise would have normally had no reaction, now it's a list of questions. Is it is "crazy" bruise? How long has it been there? Is it going away?  This is especially hard because I am a huge klutz! God help you if you're the one who asks me about a bruise I didn't know about!  Someone asking if I feel alright or mentioning I look pale can send me into a panic. Then it's finding the closest mirror and asking myself, yes out loud, if my color in my lips is good, are my cheeks rosy, how about the color around my eyes?  Then a strip search for crazy bruises.  

The further out from remission achieved (July 15, 2009) I get the easier it gets. It's still hard and probably more so because I have anxiety to begin with. Daily meds help, regular therapy helps, an amazing husband who believes with everything in him I have this licked helps, my own stubborness usually helps. I realized last night I went almost an entire awake day without a daily check of above.  That is amazing and has never happened before!  In almost four years I went longer than I ever had without a thought to Leukemia. That is amazing! Today I am writing this. After last nights realization today I can't get Leukemia off my mind.  It happens and i'm not going to let it control me or my day. I am going to keep going and push those thoughts away. I won't lie though, I will do that after I do a mirror check first.